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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Jonas Brothers Doppelgangers, Beer Bellies, & the Book Rules





What's the easiest way to avoid losing a fortune in Atlantic City?

Blog, of course.

Upon realizing that we would both, for the first time in history, have off on the same weekday, Dave and I immediately booked a (free) room at the new-and-improved (and fabulous) Golden Nugget Hotel and Casino in beautiful Atlantic City, New Jersey. Yes, that's right; pretty much the only vacation we could afford this year is where half a tank of gas will take us. (Which is not too far, by the way.)

And if you read my Vegas blog, you know that he enjoys playing poker and I do not. I mean, I could totally kick his ass at the blackjack table, but I just don't touch poker. My poker face is about as subtle as a freight train.

So I would rather chill out with an $11 glass of Pinot Grigio listening to Jonas brother doppelgangers belt out the best hits of the eighties, nineties, and today on acoustic guitars and bongo drums. Life is good. For now. Until I meet back up with Dave and find out how much he lost.

Time away from the hubby has given me a chance to do one of my favorite things: people-watch, followed by a healthy dose of judging and mocking.

If you walk around casinos enough, you begin to see the same types of people. By now you know that my blog is reliable for an arbitrary-number list; basically I start listing things until I'm tired of blogging or simply can't think of anything anymore.

Without further ado, I present to you:

The Top (to be numbered later) Casino Stereotypes

1. The Past-Her-Prime Cocktail Waitress

I hope no one's reading this over my shoulder. Because if they are, I don't have a shot in hell of getting a drink for the rest of the night.

I digress. Atlantic City is, for all intents and purposes, the Land Where Fashion Stands Still. The gift shops have featured the same fur coats for as long as I've been coming here, and in that span I've never seen anyone actually buy one. The cocktail waitresses appear to be wearing the same outfits they wore twenty or thirty years ago, despite the fact that their faces (and other body parts, I may add) have visibly aged. If they really want to gear the Golden Nugget towards a younger crowd, they'd better start hiring their staff as such. Just sayin'.

2. The All-or-Nothing Chainsmoker

These people wear buffet-stained stretch pants and model their haircuts after the grandparents on 16 and Pregnant, yet they are sitting at high-stakes slot machines smoking cigarettes like it's the eve of the rapture. They are living, breathing chicken-or-the-egg conundrums: are they poor because they gamble, or gambling because they're poor? Doesn't matter; if they lose all their money, I'm sure they know how to catch and kill dinner on the side of the Garden State Parkway on the way home.

3. The High-Roller Button-Down Shirt Guy

You know this guy, especially if you frequent generically-named Irish gastropubs in midtown Manhattan. He attended a four-year college upstate despite the fact that he returned with a beer belly and little memory of his freshman and sophomore years. Now he works in the Financial District (for the time being, until his department gets eliminated due to economic downturn) and lives in Jersey City. He's down in Atlantic City to party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's his best buddy's 23rd birthday after all, and what better way to celebrate than blowing Mom and Dad's money on roulette and Asian hookers? However, if you're a single girl there with your friends, beware; he may have his eye on you if he's looking to save money on the hooker tonight.

4. The What-the-Hell-Are-They-Doing-Here Family

You nearly whip out your cell phone to call ACS on these people. Not only do they drag their kids to the kid-unfriendly Atlantic City, but they keep them out at all hours of the night. I know they give out free rooms and everything, but what is there for children to do in AC in April? You can't go to the beach or boardwalk. The pool's not even open. How about you save up all the money you waste gambling and take the kids to Great Adventure?

5. The Barely-Clad Jailbait Who Don't Know Shit About Gambling

The last time we came to the Golden Nugget, I was sitting at the dollar blackjack table when a bachelorette party joined the table. Mind you, I use the term "bachelorette party" very loosely because, by the looks of them they needed parental consent to get out of gym class, let alone get married. And you know the aforementioned Asian hookers? My guess is these girls took fashion tips from them.

So they sat down and started playing, and you know what? They were actually quite charming. I passed my admittedly novice knowledge of blackjack on to them (the book rules, basically) and wished the girl in the tiara the best of luck on her marriage. I wondered if her tiara was the same one she had worn for her eighth birthday a few years ago. I commended them for sitting at the dollar blackjack table, which is actually a great place to learn the game.

So here's my update: the Jonas bros are playing George Michael covers (to which I am unabashedly singing along), Dave has informed me that he's breaking even so far (whew), and I'm on my second large glass of Pinot.

$22 plus a $5 tip for the lovely George (at least I think that's what his nametag says). Still less than I would have lost out on the floor.

You know at heart I'm a cheapskate/New York girl.

The list tops off at five.