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I don't consider myself the typical gym person. I will never gush, "I LOOOOOVE Pilates!" or claim to "feel amazing" after running a 5K on the treadmill. Hell, I never even check into the gym on Facebook. You know the scene in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where Jason Segel takes the yoga class? Well, that's pretty much me.
Basically, I go to the gym because I love to eat and drink, and if I didn't work out I'd be the obese bedridden person desperate for help on Dr. Phil. Do I fit into a gym stereotype? Certainly not. (At least I don't think so.) And as someone who doesn't fit into the fitness mold, I have judgmentally devised:
The Top Five Most Annoying Gym Stereotypes
1. The Jacked-Up, Verbally Abusive Personal Trainer
A few months ago I attended a class called Cardio Cross-Training. It was on a Wednesday night at 7:00, after a long, hard day at work. I arrived a few minutes early, and waited on the black plush couches that are just comfortable enough to make you wonder why you ever left your own couch in the first place.
As the previous class ended the other gluttons for punishment and I began to enter the studio. The burly, tattooed instructor held the door for us.
"Thank you," I said cheerily.
"Oh, don't thank me," he smugly replied. "Just pray."
Turned out all the prayer in the world couldn't save me from the masochism that occurred from 7:00-7:55. Push-ups. Burpees. Squat jumps. More laps than I could count. Screaming--not legitimate abuse, but the folksy, boot-campy shouts that apparently motivate some people. And some kind of exercise where we marched up and down the studio floor lifting our knees and body-bars at the same time, like bizarre, goose-stepping fitness buffs. Any time you come anywhere close to imitating Nazis you know it can't be good.
At one point I stopped my goose-stepping/bar pumping a few seconds early and was punished with a "FINISH IT!!!" in my face.
Did I enjoy the class? Well, if you take the word "enjoy" and stretch the definition to include "humiliate," "threatened," and "backed into a corner," then yeah, I enjoyed it.
Did I finish it? You better believe it.
Did I go back for more? You better believe it.
2. The Sports-Bra Lady Who Knows She Looks Amazing
Let's shift gears from the instructors and move on to the members. You know this lady. She comes into class fully dressed, but with no intention of keeping her clothes on. After the five-minute warm-up, she makes a big show of fanning herself (because she's SOOOO hot) and strip-teasing her tank top off to reveal a neon green sports bra, twelve-pack abs and perfect tan, even in January. Prior to class, you may have even heard her talk about her kids, which makes it even more annoying that she has no visible scars or stretch marks.
The only time I ever worked out in a sports bra was the time the air conditioner broke in my normally freezing gym during a Zumba class, and I was sweating my balls off in my Mariano Rivera T-shirt.
I'm not sure who you're trying to impress in a class full of women. Keep your clothes on; this ain't no strip club. Thanks.
3. The Sports-Bra Lady Who Doesn't Look So Amazing
My gym routine varies from week to week--Zumba, Pilates, Bokwa, yoga, kickboxing--in order to avoid boredom. There's a woman at my gym who probably has the same idea, since I see her at pretty much any class I attend, whatever the time or type.
I've never spoken to this woman, but she is quite noticeable for two reasons: 1) She almost always walks into class late, and 2) she most definitely does not own a mirror. She's a little, um, older than most of the other patrons, and, while she appears in very good shape for a woman of her age, she sports an unfortunate tattoo around her waist that I have, on numerous occasions, mistaken for a whale tail. And well, let's just say your skin isn't as supple in your sixties as it was in your twenties.
Don't get me wrong; I think it's wonderful that this woman still values physical fitness enough to show up at the gym all the time. But she'd look amazing if she wore some kind of a tank top that extended all the way to the top of her bicycle shorts. Just sayin'.
4. The Zumba Dancer Who Acts Like She's Trying Out for the Infomercial
Whenever you go to Zumba class, the first thing the instructor always says is, "Don't worry about the dance moves. Just try to follow and have fun!" Despite this disclaimer, there's always that one person who has to show off the fact that, or at least act like, she spent the last four years training at Julliard. Bonus points if she's wearing overpriced official Zumba attire.
At a Zumba class I recently attended, there was this tall, thin, gregarious, curly-haired girl who seemed to enjoy taking the instructor's rudimentary steps and transforming them into something suitable for the revival of Rent. A simple Charleston turned into a grand jete, and she appeared to take extreme delight glancing at herself in the mirror as she made leaps and bounds (literally) over everyone else.
If you find yourself in the presence of a person like this, do not feel threatened by their dancing prowess. Rather, slink to the back, do your best, and don't ask the instructor any questions. This poseur will inevitably jump in and attempt to answer the question before the instructor has a chance to.
5. The Space Hog
No, I'm not talking about the band famous only for the falsetto-heavy single written by Liv Tyler's ex-husband. I'm talking about the woman who's standing next to you in a near-empty kickboxing class who tosses her towel two feet away from you to "save" a spot for herself and her friend, who may or may not show up. When class starts she makes a big show of stretching as far as her fingertips will take her, implying that you, who actually showed up two minutes earlier than she did, are standing way too close to her. She shoots you sideways dirty looks when she thinks you aren't looking, and you, in turn, want to jab, cross, hook her right into next Tuesday's class.
The Space Hog may also make an appearance on the machines when you least expect it. She'll drape that towel over the stationary bike adjacent to hers when she sees you coming, and during peak hours, to boot. She obviously suffers from some kind of condition in which she fears strangers getting too close to her. To combat this, "accidentally" take a swig of her water bottle, and when she gets up to puke, make yourself comfortable at the exercise bike of your choice.
