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Lose weight. Exercise more. Drink less. Drink more (in some people's cases.)
It's the time of year when all of us, even millennials who can normally do no wrong, begin to realize we could all stand to make improvements.
While there are various things we should all improve in real life, if we want to start small we can start with our cyber-selves. Our cyberego, after all, is what most people in our lives see.
Think about it: how many people do you truly interact with in real life on a regular basis? 7, maybe 8, tops?
And how many people do you interact with, or subject yourself to, via social media? Thousands. Wouldn't it be nice to improve our cyberegos so that the way you brag about yourself on Facebook can actually be based on truth?
Well, dear reader, you've come to the right blog. Follow these five easy steps and watch the likes and positive comments flow (if that's something that's important to you).
1. Consult a dictionary before posting.
The dumb-ifying of America is, unfortunately, becoming more pervasive. It started with the virtual reversal of the meaning of literally. Now it seems to be making its way to awkward, epic, hipster,and random. And these days you don't even need to dust off your Webster's to ensure you're using a word correctly. You can use Google to define it. Observe (courtesy of Google Dictionary):
awkward (adj) 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with. 2. causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.3. not smooth or graceful; ungainly.
Lots of people who post those insanely annoying "that awkward moment when..." statuses would have a hard time pinpointing exactly which definition applies to their use. For example:
That awkward moment when you come to the conclusion that you're eating bacon for the third time today.
That awkward moment when you realize the Full House episode you're watching literally aired 20 years ago for the first time. (two of my pet peeves in one status--entirely achievable)
What exactly is embarrassing, inconvenient, or ungainly about realizing you eat a lot of bacon? No one else is around, so it can't be embarrassing. It's not inconvenient; actually it's probably quite convenient if you made a whole pound at breakfast and continued eating it throughout the day. And it's certainly not ungainly, unless you're tripping all over yourself to get to said bacon. I don't know; maybe some people do that. Bacon is pretty awesome.
I'm not going to go into the bastardization of the other words I mentioned, or name the myriad other grammatical and spelling massacres I encounter on a daily basis that bug the hell out of me, because that would be a whole blog post in itself. The point is, I don't know when it became acceptable to use a word to mean basically whatever you want it to mean. Did you mean "That coincidental moment when..." or "That eye-opening moment when..."? If so, then say so.
Oh, and "every day" and "everyday" mean two different things and are not interchangeable. There. I had to sneak one in.
2. Stop falling victim to online "deals."
Okay, I will stop sounding like a self-righteous asshole (for now) and talk about a resolution that I know I need to make. I seriously need to delete the Groupon app from my iPad. For every decent deal I purchase ($55 for haircut, style, blowout, and highlights for a new salon in Staten Island--victory!) there are three that either suck or I completely forget to redeem.
The number one example is the Drink & Draw that warranted its own blog post last summer. Recently my friend Lauren (my same victim in the Drink & Draw debacle) and I redeemed a deal I had purchased at a wine bar in Bed-Stuy promising "two flights of wine and a cheese platter," only to find out their idea of a flight is a half a glass of wine. A simple Google image search of "wine flight" turns up the following images:
Hmm. Seems like everyone else's idea of a wine flight involves multiple glasses, just like mine.
But whatever, I get it. The Groupon is to get you in the door, and presumably you will purchase enough other stuff to make up for the fact that you're getting a "deal." And we did. By the time the bill came we were too drunk to care that the Groupon wasn't much of a deal after all. But it took a lot more than the wine flight to get us to that point. I just need to make an effort to realize this when I'm spending hours scrolling through Groupon looking at deals paired with stock photos that are usually a hell of lot nicer than the place they're trying to advertise.
3. Realize that not everyone is meant to stay on your news feed forever.
A couple of days ago I read a blog post someone shared on Facebook titled something like "New Year's Resolutions Everyone Should Make." I'm sure that blog post is garnering way more reads than this one is, but a bunch of the author's "resolutions" irked me. (Me irked? Imagine that!)
One of them was, "Make up with an ex."
What for?
I think if anything the resolution should read, "Delete all exes from Facebook and hearken back to the days when, if you broke up with someone, they ceased to exist for all intents and purposes."
I suppose the suggestion was implying that in some way clearing the air with an ex will make you more "zen," (do people still say "zen"?) that you can let go of any ill will you are harboring towards that person. It also seemed to be implying that it is virtually impossible to have neutral feelings for an ex, that you either hate them with every fiber of your being or are desperately in love with them and want them back.
An easy way to establish neutral feelings toward an ex? Simple. Don't see them, talk to them, email them, or look at pictures of them. I don't know why more people don't get this, why so many people seem to think an ex should remain in their lives in some capacity after you break up. If you get fired from a job you loved, do you call up your former boss at two in the morning, obsessively scroll through his Facebook pics, or search for hidden meanings in his statuses?
Damn. Did my super-thoughtful Christmas gift mean nothing to you?
No, of course not. Your boss had a defined role in your life, and the role was terminated. He doesn't automatically become your friend after that. Instead, you search for a new job, or take time to "find yourself," if your situation allows you to. Same for relationships.
Also, the intended audience of the resolution post was unclear. The title said, "resolutions everyone should make." So, as a married person, I should seek out an ex and make up with him? For what reason, exactly?
If anything, fewer married people should do this. I read somewhere that Facebook is now responsible for 25% of divorces. That's because the pictures you're seeing of your high school girlfriend all slutted up for a night out look a lot better than your wife at six o'clock in the morning before she's had her coffee. Some people obviously have a hard time keeping these things in perspective, but giving yourself easy access to your dream girl when your wife is five feet away scrubbing the floor in sweats and a messy ponytail doesn't seem like a good idea if you can't control yourself.
They always come crawling back when the toilet needs scrubbing.
My (far superior) resolution in this blog post doesn't just have to apply solely to getting rid of all your exes on Facebook. You can also take the time to trim your friends list and get rid of people who inadvertently annoy you, like the girl who has a new boyfriend every three months but continues to tag every picture of herself and her man du jour with #loveofmylife and #luckiestgirlintheworld. (Or the struggling writer who continues to bombard you with her annoying blog posts. Your call.) If someone really annoys you to the point that you're feeling disgusted every time you scroll your news feed, get rid of them. We have enough douche bags in our lives that we have to put up with; who needs more?
If you do, though, do it without making a scene; chances are that person will never even notice you deleted them. And for the love of God, please don't make one of those announcements via your status: "Cleaned up the friends list today...if you're reading this, you made the cut!" Believe me mightily when I say I don't care.
And if you did care, but didn't make the cut, how would you even know?
4. Spend less time online.
When I get home from work and finish lesson planning, my default relaxation technique is to grab a glass of wine and switch on Friends reruns with my iPad glued to my lap. It'll be eight or nine o'clock before I realize how many hours I pissed away on it, and all of them weren't spent answering work emails, no matter how much I tell myself it was.
Most of the time was spent looking at virtual strangers' photos and posts on Facebook, getting annoyed because every damn Buzzfeed post is a 27-year-old with questionable writing skills whining about feeling "old," or trying to conquer the multiplying chocolate in Level 181 of Candy Crush Saga.
Would I really be missing much if I cut this stuff out?
The answer is pretty obvious, and it's not about what I would miss, but what I hope to gain. Ultimately, all of my previous resolutions will be easier to keep if I keep this one. Who knows...maybe I might actually have a conversation with a person in the flesh. No news feeds, photo filters, status updates, or emoticons. Real life.
Hope it's not too awkward.
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