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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Bacon All Day, Wine Flights, and 27-Year-Olds With Questionable Writing Skills: 4 Cyber-Resolutions for 2014



                                         





Lose weight. Exercise more. Drink less. Drink more (in some people's cases.)

It's the time of year when all of us, even millennials who can normally do no wrong, begin to realize we could all stand to make improvements.

While there are various things we should all improve in real life, if we want to start small we can start with our cyber-selves.  Our cyberego, after all, is what most people in our lives see.

 Think about it: how many people do you truly interact with in real life on a regular basis? 7, maybe 8, tops?

And how many people do you interact with, or subject yourself to, via social media? Thousands. Wouldn't it be nice to improve our cyberegos so that the way you brag about yourself on Facebook can actually be based on truth?

Well, dear reader, you've come to the right blog. Follow these five easy steps and watch the likes and positive comments flow (if that's something that's important to you).

1. Consult a dictionary before posting.

                                        

The dumb-ifying of America is, unfortunately, becoming more pervasive. It started with the virtual reversal of the meaning of literally. Now it seems to be making its way to awkward, epic, hipster,and random. And these days you don't even need to dust off your Webster's to ensure you're using a word correctly. You can use Google to define it. Observe (courtesy of Google Dictionary):

awkward (adj) 1. causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with. 2. causing or feeling embarrassment or inconvenience.3. not smooth or graceful; ungainly.


Lots of people who post those insanely annoying "that awkward moment when..." statuses would have a hard time pinpointing exactly which definition applies to their use. For example:

That awkward moment when you come to the conclusion that you're eating bacon for the third time today.

That awkward moment when you realize the Full House episode you're watching literally aired 20 years ago for the first time. (two of my pet peeves in one status--entirely achievable)

What exactly is embarrassing, inconvenient, or ungainly about realizing you eat a lot of bacon? No one else is around, so it can't be embarrassing. It's not inconvenient; actually it's probably quite convenient if you made a whole pound at breakfast and continued eating it throughout the day. And it's certainly not ungainly, unless you're tripping all over yourself to get to said bacon. I don't know; maybe some people do that. Bacon is pretty awesome.

I'm not going to go into the bastardization of the other words I mentioned, or name the myriad other grammatical and spelling massacres I encounter on a daily basis that bug the hell out of me, because that would be a whole blog post in itself. The point is, I don't know when it became acceptable to use a word to mean basically whatever you want it to mean. Did you mean "That coincidental moment when..." or "That eye-opening moment when..."? If so, then say so.

Oh, and "every day" and "everyday" mean two different things and are not interchangeable. There. I had to sneak one in.

2. Stop falling victim to online "deals."

Okay, I will stop sounding like a self-righteous asshole (for now) and talk about a resolution that I know I need to make. I seriously need to delete the Groupon app from my iPad. For every decent deal I purchase ($55 for haircut, style, blowout, and highlights for a new salon in Staten Island--victory!) there are three that either suck or I completely forget to redeem.

The number one example is the Drink & Draw that warranted its own blog post last summer. Recently my friend Lauren (my same victim in the Drink & Draw debacle) and I redeemed a deal I had purchased at a wine bar in Bed-Stuy promising "two flights of wine and a cheese platter," only to find out their idea of a flight is a half a glass of wine. A simple Google image search of "wine flight" turns up the following images:

                                              

                                              

                                               

Hmm. Seems like everyone else's idea of a wine flight involves multiple glasses, just like mine.

But whatever, I get it. The Groupon is to get you in the door, and presumably you will purchase enough other stuff to make up for the fact that you're getting a "deal." And we did. By the time the bill came we were too drunk to care that the Groupon wasn't much of a deal after all. But it took a lot more than the wine flight to get us to that point. I just need to make an effort to realize this when I'm spending hours scrolling through Groupon looking at deals paired with stock photos that are usually a hell of lot nicer than the place they're trying to advertise.

3. Realize that not everyone is meant to stay on your news feed forever.
                               

                                    


A couple of days ago I read a blog post someone shared on Facebook titled something like "New Year's Resolutions Everyone Should Make." I'm sure that blog post is garnering way more reads than this one is, but a bunch of the author's "resolutions" irked me. (Me irked? Imagine that!)

One of them was, "Make up with an ex."

What for?

I think if anything the resolution should read, "Delete all exes from Facebook and hearken back to the days when, if you broke up with someone, they ceased to exist for all intents and purposes."

I suppose the suggestion was implying that in some way clearing the air with an ex will make you more "zen," (do people still say "zen"?) that you can let go of any ill will you are harboring towards that person. It also seemed to be implying that it is virtually impossible to have neutral feelings for an ex, that you either hate them with every fiber of your being or are desperately in love with them and want them back.

An easy way to establish neutral feelings toward an ex? Simple. Don't see them, talk to them, email them, or look at pictures of them. I don't know why more people don't get this, why so many people seem to think an ex should remain in their lives in some capacity after you break up. If you get fired from a job you loved, do you call up your former boss at two in the morning, obsessively scroll through his Facebook pics, or search for hidden meanings in his statuses?

                                                     
                       Damn. Did my super-thoughtful Christmas gift mean nothing to you?


No, of course not. Your boss had a defined role in your life, and the role was terminated. He doesn't automatically become your friend after that. Instead, you search for a new job, or take time to "find yourself," if your situation allows you to. Same for relationships.

Also, the intended audience of the resolution post was unclear. The title said, "resolutions everyone should make." So, as a married person, I should seek out an ex and make up with him? For what reason, exactly?

If anything, fewer married people should do this. I read somewhere that Facebook is now responsible for 25% of divorces. That's because the pictures you're seeing of your high school girlfriend all slutted up for a night out look a lot better than your wife at six o'clock in the morning before she's had her coffee. Some people obviously have a hard time keeping these things in perspective, but giving yourself easy access to your dream girl when your wife is five feet away scrubbing the floor in sweats and a messy ponytail doesn't seem like a good idea if you can't control yourself.

 
                  They always come crawling back when the toilet needs scrubbing.


My (far superior) resolution in this blog post doesn't just have to apply solely to getting rid of all your exes on Facebook. You can also take the time to trim your friends list and get rid of people who inadvertently annoy you, like the girl who has a new boyfriend every three months but continues to tag every picture of herself and her man du jour with #loveofmylife and #luckiestgirlintheworld. (Or the struggling writer who continues to bombard you with her annoying blog posts. Your call.) If someone really annoys you to the point that you're feeling disgusted every time you scroll your news feed, get rid of them. We have enough douche bags in our lives that we have to put up with; who needs more?

If you do, though, do it without making a scene; chances are that person will never even notice you deleted them. And for the love of God, please don't make one of those announcements via your status: "Cleaned up the friends list today...if you're reading this, you made the cut!" Believe me mightily when I say I don't care.

And if you did care, but didn't make the cut, how would you even know?

4. Spend less time online.

                                   

When I get home from work and finish lesson planning, my default relaxation technique is to grab a glass of wine and switch on Friends reruns with my iPad glued to my lap. It'll be eight or nine o'clock before I realize how many hours I pissed away on it, and all of them weren't spent answering work emails, no matter how much I tell myself it was.

Most of the time was spent looking at virtual strangers' photos and posts on Facebook, getting annoyed because every damn Buzzfeed post is a 27-year-old with questionable writing skills whining about feeling "old," or trying to conquer the multiplying chocolate in Level 181 of Candy Crush Saga.

Would I really be missing much if I cut this stuff out?

The answer is pretty obvious, and it's not about what I would miss, but what I hope to gain. Ultimately, all of my previous resolutions will be easier to keep if I keep this one. Who knows...maybe I might actually have a conversation with a person in the flesh. No news feeds, photo filters, status updates, or emoticons. Real life.

Hope it's not too awkward.








Thursday, August 8, 2013

Black Plush Couches, Sports Bras, and Phantom Whale Tails: The 5 Most Annoying Gym Stereotypes


I don't consider myself the typical gym person. I will never gush, "I LOOOOOVE Pilates!" or claim to "feel amazing" after running a 5K on the treadmill. Hell, I never even check into the gym on Facebook. You know the scene in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" where Jason Segel takes the yoga class? Well, that's pretty much me.



Basically, I go to the gym because I love to eat and drink, and if I didn't work out I'd be the obese bedridden person desperate for help on Dr. Phil. Do I fit into a gym stereotype? Certainly not. (At least I don't think so.) And as someone who doesn't fit into the fitness mold, I have judgmentally devised:

                                           The Top Five Most Annoying Gym Stereotypes

1. The Jacked-Up, Verbally Abusive Personal Trainer




A few months ago I attended a class called Cardio Cross-Training. It was on a Wednesday night at 7:00, after a long, hard day at work. I arrived a few minutes early, and waited on the black plush couches that are just comfortable enough to make you wonder why you ever left your own couch in the first place.

As the previous class ended the other gluttons for punishment and I began to enter the studio. The burly, tattooed instructor held the door for us.

"Thank you," I said cheerily.

"Oh, don't thank me," he smugly replied. "Just pray."

Turned out all the prayer in the world couldn't save me from the masochism that occurred from 7:00-7:55. Push-ups. Burpees. Squat jumps. More laps than I could count. Screaming--not legitimate abuse, but the folksy, boot-campy shouts that apparently motivate some people. And some kind of exercise where we marched up and down the studio floor lifting our knees and body-bars at the same time, like bizarre, goose-stepping fitness buffs. Any time you come anywhere close to imitating Nazis you know it can't be good.

At one point I stopped my goose-stepping/bar pumping a few seconds early and was punished with a "FINISH IT!!!" in my face.

Did I enjoy the class? Well, if you take the word "enjoy" and stretch the definition to include "humiliate," "threatened," and "backed into a corner," then yeah, I enjoyed it.

Did I finish it? You better believe it.

Did I go back for more? You better believe it.


2. The Sports-Bra Lady Who Knows She Looks Amazing



Let's shift gears from the instructors and move on to the members. You know this lady. She comes into class fully dressed, but with no intention of keeping her clothes on. After the five-minute warm-up, she makes a big show of fanning herself (because she's SOOOO hot) and strip-teasing her tank top off to reveal a neon green sports bra, twelve-pack abs and perfect tan, even in January. Prior to class, you may have even heard her talk about her kids, which makes it even more annoying that she has no visible scars or stretch marks.

The only time I ever worked out in a sports bra was the time the air conditioner broke in my normally freezing gym during a Zumba class, and I was sweating my balls off in my Mariano Rivera T-shirt.

I'm not sure who you're trying to impress in a class full of women. Keep your clothes on; this ain't no strip club. Thanks.

3. The Sports-Bra Lady Who Doesn't Look So Amazing



My gym routine varies from week to week--Zumba, Pilates, Bokwa, yoga, kickboxing--in order to avoid boredom. There's a woman at my gym who probably has the same idea, since I see her at pretty much any class I attend, whatever the time or type.

I've never spoken to this woman, but she is quite noticeable for two reasons: 1) She almost always walks into class late, and 2) she most definitely does not own a mirror. She's a little, um, older than most of the other patrons, and, while she appears in very good shape for a woman of her age, she sports an unfortunate tattoo around her waist that I have, on numerous occasions, mistaken for a whale tail. And well, let's just say your skin isn't as supple in your sixties as it was in your twenties.

Don't get me wrong; I think it's wonderful that this woman still values physical fitness enough to show up at the gym all the time. But she'd look amazing if she wore some kind of a tank top that extended all the way to the top of her bicycle shorts. Just sayin'.

4. The Zumba Dancer Who Acts Like She's Trying Out for the Infomercial




Whenever you go to Zumba class, the first thing the instructor always says is, "Don't worry about the dance moves. Just try to follow and have fun!" Despite this disclaimer, there's always that one person who has to show off the fact that, or at least act like, she spent the last four years training at Julliard. Bonus points if she's wearing overpriced official Zumba attire.

At a Zumba class I recently attended, there was this tall, thin, gregarious, curly-haired girl who seemed to enjoy taking the instructor's rudimentary steps and transforming them into something suitable for the revival of Rent. A simple Charleston turned into a grand jete, and she appeared to take extreme delight glancing at herself in the mirror as she made leaps and bounds (literally) over everyone else.

If you find yourself in the presence of a person like this, do not feel threatened by their dancing prowess. Rather, slink to the back, do your best, and don't ask the instructor any questions. This poseur will inevitably jump in and attempt to answer the question before the instructor has a chance to.

5. The Space Hog



No, I'm not talking about the band famous only for the falsetto-heavy single written by Liv Tyler's ex-husband. I'm talking about the woman who's standing next to you in a near-empty kickboxing class who tosses her towel two feet away from you to "save" a spot for herself and her friend, who may or may not show up. When class starts she makes a big show of stretching as far as her fingertips will take her, implying that you, who actually showed up two minutes earlier than she did, are standing way too close to her. She shoots you sideways dirty looks when she thinks you aren't looking, and you, in turn, want to jab, cross, hook her right into next Tuesday's class.

The Space Hog may also make an appearance on the machines when you least expect it. She'll drape that towel over the stationary bike adjacent to hers when she sees you coming, and during peak hours, to boot. She obviously suffers from some kind of condition in which she fears strangers getting too close to her. To combat this, "accidentally" take a swig of her water bottle, and when she gets up to puke, make yourself comfortable at the exercise bike of your choice.