Green Stuff, LIE Rubbernecking, and Skinny Girls Who Think They're Fat

When something exciting, tragic, or relatively mundane happens to you, what's the first thing you do?  Post it on Facebook, of course, so that 567 of your closest acquaintances can know.

 As a Facebook user for several years now, I have noticed that the same type of status updates seem to reoccur quite often.  Many of them are pretty obnoxious.  Now, I'm not saying that everything I post is of the utmost importance.  Quite the opposite, actually.  In fact, I'm definitely guilty of a few of these myself.  But you know me by now; self-deprecation is my specialty.  And if I bring a few others down with me, what the hell?  So whether you're sick of them as well or guilty as charged, read on to find out the:

                         Top Five Most Obnoxious Status Update Types

1. The Too-Much-Information Update

Sissy McSharestoomuch just hocked up some green stuff.  When will this cough go away?

Look, I know that when you have diarrhea it's the only thing you can think about.  And I'm sure that when I have children, I'll get really excited too when they go number two in the toilet.  Hell, it means the beginning of the end of changing diapers.  But for the time being, can you keep this information between yourself, your husband, and the Lord?  Thanks.

2. The Gripe Via a Letter to an Inanimate Object or Person You Encountered Earlier in the Day That Annoyed You Update

John D. Thinkshescreative Dear Drivers on the LIE, I wish you would realize that when you stare at an accident that happens on the opposite side, all it does is cause traffic.  Thanks, John. 

Okay, we get it.  You want to bitch about something or someone who can't hear you.  But instead of making the rest of us listen to it, why don't you grow a pair and actually say something when you're in the moment?  And for God's sake, if you're driving, get off the damn phone.  You'll cause another accident that will just slow the rest of us down. 

3. The Bogus Commemorative Month/Week/Day Update

Cammy C. Brainless It's Dog in a Cone Week!  If you have a dog who is wearing, or has worn, or know someone who has a dog who is wearing, or has worn, one of those cone neck braces, repost this as your status and keep it up for 37 hours.  Only 55% of my friends will repost this.  Will you be one of them?  You better be, or you're just a terrible human being who hates puppies!

This is the modern equivalent of a chain letter.  Some moron thinks up the idea, posts it as his status, and sits back to see how many people are dumb enough to copy and paste his idiocy.   A close relative of this status is the "Repost if you have the greatest children/mom/fish."  Because, you know, if you don't repost it, you don't really love your children/mom/fish.

4. The Ambiguous News Update

Bria Fishingforcomments can't believe that something so terrible could happen. 

This kind of status is akin to the skinny girl with low self-esteem who walks around saying she's fat.  The person who posts a status like this just wants people to post comments like, "What's going on?" or "Are you okay, sweetie?"  The best is when they answer with, "I don't feel like talking about it."  Here's a tip: when you don't feel like talking about something, don't post a teaser on a forum of 300 million onlookers.  Your status update is not a movie trailer.  If you have something tragic to discuss, pick up a phone and call your mom, or someone else who might actually care.

5.  The Braggart's Update

Rick O'Imsojacked just benchpressed 500 pounds at the gym!  Now for my daily 20-mile run!  Feelin' amazing!!!!!

If something truly great happens to you, like a new job, a baby, or an engagement, by all means, share.  That's what Facebook is for.  But sometimes you get the feeling that people just want to brag about their daily actitvities: how much they work out, how many A's they got this semester, or how much money they make.  Avoid these statuses like a cyberplague.  Do not, I repeat, do not, post congratulations or positive comments, or even "like" it.  This will only encourage the douchebaggery. 

Many of you may be thinking that I'm a hypocrite.  How can she be criticizing others when she's gratutiously using Facebook to promote her writing, you might ask.  And you'd be absolutely right. 

Because as much as we all bitch about Facebook, if it ever shut down we'd be lost.  I mean, how could I get through the day without knowing what someone I haven't seen since high school ate for lunch?