Dubious Question Marks, Swab Tests, and Finding Out You're Out of Napkins

As much as I find teaching fulfilling and challenging, I'm not going to lie: one of the best perks is the vacation time.  This summer has allowed me to do some worthwhile things: vacation with the family in Ocean City,  work on my writing, and catch up with some friends--namely, Maury, Judge Judy, and Dr. Phil. 

This afternoon I decided to check in with the good doctor.  Hell, it's cheaper than therapy.  Plus, watching the nutjobs on daytime TV suddenly makes my life seem quite normal, even boring.  The topic today was "Born to Rage: Out of Control?" no doubt using the question mark as a dubious reminder that even the most volatile lunatics can curb their behavior with a few trips through the McTherapy drive-thru.  

Today's show featured such illustrious guests as Lori, a woman who claimed she had no control over her destructive behavior and  "if you start with me, I'm gonna finish it" and Bryan, a man who found it necessary to throw objects at his girlfriend when he's traumatized by horrible tragedies, such as when she said they were out of napkins, only to find out that they were, in fact, not out of napkins. Lori's sister was at her wit's end trying to calm her down, and Bryan's girlfriend was wondering if she should wait for his raging behavior to subside before "taking their relationship to the next level", i.e., marry the wackjob.  Fortunately, Dr. Phil provided his patients with his trademark professional opinions:

 To Lori: You need to calm down.  You have children.  You don't want them to see you acting like this, do you?
To Bryan: Yes, you should work this out before getting married. 

In other words.......DUH!!!!!!

I mean, can I do this for a living?

Another "revelation" came to light over the course of the show.  Apparently there is something called the "Warrior gene" and, if you have it, you are more susceptible to responding destructively to becoming irritated by daily occurences that may not bother other people, such as getting cut off on the highway.  In other words, you get pissed off beyond belief by things that most people wouldn't even notice.  You can take a simple swab test to see if you have the gene, and the best part is, you can send away for the test yourself.  Dr. Phil proudly proclaimed he has a link to the website to purchase said test on his website, and I have provided it here for you, dear reader, just for shits and giggles. 

Both Lori and Bryan were determined, via the swab test of course, to have the Warrior gene.  Both seemed oddly proud of it, for some reason.  As many times as Dr. Phil urged his guests not to use the gene as an excuse for their behavior, they seemed to pay no mind.  Bryan announced, "Well, I'm happy about this.  This certainly explains a lot." 

So instead of taking responsibility for their childish behavior, now these people actually have an excuse for it? 

The point is, people need to start taking responsibility for their own actions.  I mean, next are they going to come out with a gene for every irritating habit that people have?  Is that friend of yours who's always late going to come running up to you the next time you meet for dinner saying, "Sorry I'm late, but you know, I have the Perpetually Tardy Chromosome."  Or, when some guy cuts in front of you in line at the supermarket, is he going to claim free pass, stating, "I have the No Sense of Social Decency Gene"?

Maybe we all need to go a little Dr. Phil on ourselves once in a while.