Dubious Question Marks, Swab Tests, and Finding Out You're Out of Napkins

As much as I find teaching fulfilling and challenging, I'm not going to lie: one of the best perks is the vacation time.  This summer has allowed me to do some worthwhile things: vacation with the family in Ocean City,  work on my writing, and catch up with some friends--namely, Maury, Judge Judy, and Dr. Phil. 

This afternoon I decided to check in with the good doctor.  Hell, it's cheaper than therapy.  Plus, watching the nutjobs on daytime TV suddenly makes my life seem quite normal, even boring.  The topic today was "Born to Rage: Out of Control?" no doubt using the question mark as a dubious reminder that even the most volatile lunatics can curb their behavior with a few trips through the McTherapy drive-thru.  

Today's show featured such illustrious guests as Lori, a woman who claimed she had no control over her destructive behavior and  "if you start with me, I'm gonna finish it" and Bryan, a man who found it necessary to throw objects at his girlfriend when he's traumatized by horrible tragedies, such as when she said they were out of napkins, only to find out that they were, in fact, not out of napkins. Lori's sister was at her wit's end trying to calm her down, and Bryan's girlfriend was wondering if she should wait for his raging behavior to subside before "taking their relationship to the next level", i.e., marry the wackjob.  Fortunately, Dr. Phil provided his patients with his trademark professional opinions:

 To Lori: You need to calm down.  You have children.  You don't want them to see you acting like this, do you?
To Bryan: Yes, you should work this out before getting married. 

In other words.......DUH!!!!!!

I mean, can I do this for a living?

Another "revelation" came to light over the course of the show.  Apparently there is something called the "Warrior gene" and, if you have it, you are more susceptible to responding destructively to becoming irritated by daily occurences that may not bother other people, such as getting cut off on the highway.  In other words, you get pissed off beyond belief by things that most people wouldn't even notice.  You can take a simple swab test to see if you have the gene, and the best part is, you can send away for the test yourself.  Dr. Phil proudly proclaimed he has a link to the website to purchase said test on his website, and I have provided it here for you, dear reader, just for shits and giggles. 

Both Lori and Bryan were determined, via the swab test of course, to have the Warrior gene.  Both seemed oddly proud of it, for some reason.  As many times as Dr. Phil urged his guests not to use the gene as an excuse for their behavior, they seemed to pay no mind.  Bryan announced, "Well, I'm happy about this.  This certainly explains a lot." 

So instead of taking responsibility for their childish behavior, now these people actually have an excuse for it? 

The point is, people need to start taking responsibility for their own actions.  I mean, next are they going to come out with a gene for every irritating habit that people have?  Is that friend of yours who's always late going to come running up to you the next time you meet for dinner saying, "Sorry I'm late, but you know, I have the Perpetually Tardy Chromosome."  Or, when some guy cuts in front of you in line at the supermarket, is he going to claim free pass, stating, "I have the No Sense of Social Decency Gene"?

Maybe we all need to go a little Dr. Phil on ourselves once in a while. 

Half-Eaten Mexican Food, Scream-o Lyrics, and Immanuel Kant

Very often I find myself wondering, Facebook: friend or foe?  I think of it as a friend when I chuckle at a relatable status update, use it to share a link promoting my writing (as I'm doing now) or easily round up a group of pals who aren't busy for a rousing happy hour.  I think of it as a foe when I read endless status updates from the crackberry addict who updates every twenty minutes, or worse, discover that since I'm aware of the fact that he updates every twenty minutes, maybe I too am an addict. 
      Still, there are certain posts that make me want to make the two-hour journey (so I've heard) towards deleting my account altogether.  That is, if I don't kill myself first.  A while back, I posted a blog that encompassed the Top Five Most Annoying Status Updates.
 http://girlseyeviewnyc.blogspot.com/2011/04/green-stuff-lie-rubbernecking-and.html (in case you missed it the first time)

      Well, after much careful investigating, I have discovered that five simply weren't enough.  And feel free to point out the fact that I may have been guilty of a few of these in the past.  Your knowing that proves my point even further. 

Without further ado, I give you:

The Most Annoying Facebook Posts--Part 2

 The My Food is Better Than Your Food Photo

Margarita B. Hungrie  YUM!!!! Here's my dinner tonight!!! Can't wait to dig in!!!

So, this person is sitting at a restaurant, and supposedly she's starving.  Here comes the moment she's been waiting for: the waiter is coming, and he's bringing her food.  Oh, it looks delectable.  But wait--before she takes a bite, she must whip out her iPhone and take a picture of it for all the world to see.  It's like when you're a kid at your birthday party and the cake comes out.  You're dying to eat it, but your mom says, "Wait!  We have to take a picture of the cake before we cut it!" 
    Here's a tip:  not only does no one care what you had for dinner, but if you're posting day in and day out pictures of your meals along with your check-ins at expensive restaurants, and I can clearly see under your work information that you're "self-employed" or "doing my own thing," it's only going to make me want to vomit up the Ramen noodles I'm eating on my couch in order to make ends meet. 

 The Song Lyrics That Can Be Mistaken for a Suicide Note Update

Jordan M. Brooding I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.  I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real.

This person is just dying (no pun intended) for concerned friends to make comments like, "OMG!  What's going on?  Call me ASAP!"  when all he really wants is to circulate the fact that he knows the lyrics to some obscure song penned by the latest scream-o band.  Get real: Mom and Dad paid for you to go to Dartmouth and now you're making six figures on Wall Street.  Those are the lyrics to "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.  Trent Reznor hurts.  You don't.  Douchebag. 

 The Deep Literary/Philosophical Quote Update

Sudo Intellectual We are not rich by what we possess but by what we can do without.

This is the coming from the same person you knew back in college who never even showed up to philosophy class.  Instead, he would be out sitting on the grass, strumming a guitar, smoking pot.  And notice that he doesn't credit Immanuel Kant with the supremely wise saying, but rather lets people think that he came up with it all on his own.  This person wants to see how many people will "like" his status or say things like, "So true.  I am sooooo stealing this."  Remember: if it sounds too good to be made up within this century, it probably is. 

The Angry (but Censored) Rant Update

Effing Painintheass This f***ing c*** just cut me off.  S***!  What a d***!

Gee, good thing it's censored.  It's really hard to crack that code.  When we're really angry and blowing off steam, do bleeps come out of our mouths?  No.  So then why censor what you say on Facebook?  Because your mom is your friend?  Trust me, those asterisks aren't fooling her.  She knows what they mean.  Because your boss is your friend?  Well, he saw the pictures of you dancing topless on the bar at Calico Jack's, so I think that ship has sailed.

By now, you're probably feeling one of two ways: either you're disgusted by all these Facebags, or you're seeing yourself in some of them.  Or, if you're like me, you're a healthy mix of the two.  But the good news is, you can get help.  Call Facebags Anonymous, or post your own (uncensored) rants below.